"My girlfriend, Admiral Ackbar and I walked in here today. The admiral is sort of a dick and wants to get his review out of the way first. Admiral? It 's a trap. Thank you, Admiral. I 'm thoroughly convinced the bathrooms were never actually meant to be used. It 's rather akin to pissing in a crushed cracker jack box. I suggest warming up with a few yoga stretches beforehand so you don 't end up pulling your spine out of alignment trying to drop a cleveland steamer. I 've never been a huge fan of the buffet setup--it 's small and its location forces you to end up grinding on those people that just can 't wait for two goddamn seconds to get their egg roll--but some of the food on it isn 't bad. I don 't mind the eggrolls (they 're more of a Vietnamese style), the steak and potatoes, the roasted mushrooms and the spicy pork are standouts. The fried rice, lo mein, chow mein and most of the other 'staples ' you 'd find at a Chinese buffet are pretty abysmal, though. The fried rice lacks -any- vegetation and has very little flavor. I 've never been a massive chow mein fan but this variety is certainly one of the worst I 've tasted; the consistency is gelatinous and the flavor is, again, lacking. A lot of the other reviewers have noted how small it is in here. When it was crowded, there was an uncomfortable feeling of claustrophobia that remained ever-present during the meal. Our most recent experience, however, brought us here at a time when the place was pretty dead. Almost immediately after being seated, we both started hearing this odd noise. It sounded like a dude getting the ol ' oral scrub job. While in the middle of my second plate, said employee walked over to the buffet and started rummaging around. Despite the party in his pants, he managed to pull it together long enough to grab one of the trays a quarter full of sticky chicken to take back to the kitchen. I suppose being ill makes you shamelessly ravenous because he began pulling out pieces of sauce-laden chicken with his fingers to start loudly eating almost as quickly as he grabbed the tray. Are the smoldering embers of your appetite stoked yet? The other guy that was working with him (they both looked to be teens) tripped over a chair after getting off the phone behind the front counter. So, naturally, he did what any sensible individual would do: he turned and kicked the chair three or four times in retribution and then started complaining. They both then proceeded to grunt and groan their way over to a table and giggle like schoolgirls about something or another. Truthfully, this place is just like any other Chinese buffet; you pile a bunch of shit on your plate and typically end up with a 50/50 ratio of tasty to soot and poo. Here, it seems, the soot and poo increases exponentially with each visit. If you 've ever been sitting alone in your living room and found yourself pondering the age old question, What would it be like to dine in a porno that I have zero sexual interest in? you might be able to get a similar experience at Cleveland Wok. On the slight upside, the prices are cheap to drag you in like a starving orphan. I think the admiral 's initial review pretty much sums up how I feel about that, though."
